Rants ( Love, Starting Over).

1504608599200Life they say is not a bed of roses, I say Life is what you make of it. Life has ups and downs, I see life as a stage that uses challenges and struggles to teach us great lessons. Over the years, I have only realised that my life is a result of the choices I made and the steps I took and the people I was surrounded by. Life doesn’t drop fortune or misfortune on you if you don’t ask for it, this journey called life is slow but steady.

20170904_172327Getting admission into University at the age of Sixteen took me very far away from home and the comfort of my mother, it made me realise that no one is ever really down for you except yourself, keep your dreams to yourself because not everyone cares and not everyone can be as supportive as you are. Torn between staying in a relationship with a man that proposed to me 😂😂 (i was  only 17years old and marraige was not even close to the last thing on my mind)  and a young boy around my age grade  i settled for the young boy around my age grade and got myself disappointed woefully, i would cry and sulk in self-pity and shame, it made me feel as though i wasn’t beautiful and worth it. I went into prayer and fasting because i couldn’t find a way to get healed, I was hurt beyond measure.  And I told God to keep mem away from me and only bring my husband as the next guy that comes into my life. Throwback to November 2016, when I thought my morning had come and I was set to wear my happy shoes 😊, it struck again and this hurt more than anything, it pierced not because I loved him but because it seemed like I had convictions from God, I dreamt, heard from God and I was sure he was the one. You don’t know how stupid and dangerous it is to still hang around a place that clearly states “no parking, no waiting, no loitering, no standing, keep going”.

Yes i felt used and all kinds of ill-feelings, depression struck for the first time i felt depressed, like the world was against me, like nothing was ever in my favour, i wanted to be by myself, hated the people around me, i cried everyday for months and had an eating disorder, for a while i thought what if I died? It would end my pain and hurt. God visited me and gave a special kind of calm to my storm, the hurt and pain didn’t disappear, the dreams persisited but i had to stop focusing on my dreams and focus on my healing.

1504629781261The last thing you want to do is conclude that you aren’t worth it, the last thing you want to do is get depressed. Because while you live in pain, someone is out there living their dreams, someone is out there making a name for life, someone is out there making life for what it’s worth, someone is getting happiness. Life isn’t going to wait for you, life is going to move and you need to move too. You arent ugly, you don’t suck, you’re not awful, you’re not rejected, you’re not hated, you’re not miserable, you don’t carry badluck everywhere you go, but sometimes our struggles and challenges and pains pave the way for us, they light the way and there’s always owambe ( Party) on Saturdays. So don’t sleep in pain and regret, but live with happiness and strength each day, wake up every morning and get ready to fight through the day until you get to your destination. Fight with your eyes tightly closed to your stupidities and past and widely open to new opportunities and new beginnings. Heartbreaks build you, they don’t break you. Let your broken piece bring out the Gold in you.

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