Once upon a very sad time in my life, I was double my size and isolated in an indirect manner, secretly laughed at, mocked, used as an object of ridicule and it got to me. I would lay in bed and cry my eyes out, and I got into a state of depression and I would sulk in self-pity and eat over. I started experiencing breathing inabilities and fatigue extraordinaire. I still looked beautiful in my eyes when I stared in the mirror.
I would stalk plus size models on Instagram and Pinterest as a way of deriving confidence to be fat, but what i didn’t know was that behind closed doors, more than half of these plus sized models workout and try to get back in shape, on the other hand I was using it as an excuse not to be in good shape. So many of us using plus size models as an excuse to not be in good shape, more harm than good is what is taking place. I hated to be the fattest among my peers, i hated to try on a dress and see folds of my body in it, I hated to sweat and gasp for breath at every little distance I walked.
During this time of my life, I was in a relationship that meant the world to me, I would do anything to make my lover at the time happy but verbal abuse on my size became too much and I would always cry. During every romantic moment, verbal abuse on my size would be the poison to that cherishing moment. After the break-up i travelled back to Nigeria for Christmas and I had to take photos for the season to entertain my social media friends. Trust me i didn’t look anything like myself, i was so fat, feeling bloated and full everywhere. I cried so much , my sister looked at me and said ”you are not fat, you’re so beautiful but you can be more beautiful, watch your diet”. I asked my mother if I looked fat, she said ”how can? my beautiful Miss World, you are beautiful, my beautiful daughter” she said this with a strain of laughter and joy in her eyes. I knew she didn’t want me to feel bad or cry more than I had. That faithful day I started my journey to a good health and fit body and today I am more beautiful than i used to be. No I did not use weight loss supplements or drugs, I exercised every little chance I got, I ate healthy. Some days I would fall out of line and other days I would get back in line and today I am healthy and happy with where I am, I have not achieved the body and level of fit i want to, but I’m closer than i was one year ago.
What point am i trying to make here?, you may ask. being over weight and being comfortable and preaching body love is total stupidity. Yes, you are beautiful and you love yourself just the way God created you, but nothing ever felt better than being free of the folds i used to have and the way my body jiggled whenever i ran or walked. nothing felt better than waking up in the morning and not feeling bloated. I didn’t do it for the verbal abuse I did not like, I didn’t do it for the way I was laughed at, I did it to stop the discomfort I always had, I did it to stop my breathing problems, I did it to stop feeling bloated, I did it to fit well in my clothes without having to struggle , I did it to be able to wear any kind of dress I wanted without having to tuck in my tummy ceaselessly, I did it because I didn’t love who I saw in the photograph i took a year ago. Today I’m stronger, healthier, courageous about myself, beautiful and more energetic.
I am so sure there are lots of individuals, male and female that feel the way I felt a year ago, you may be discouraged and be in the state of depression I was in or even worse. But here is a word for you, you can be just how you imagine and aspire, it all boils down to making up your mind and kicking your ass. This also goes out to everyone experiencing some sort of verbal abuse, put a stop to it.
I will be writing on how verbal abuse affected me and how i dealt with it in my next post, for now have a lovely night.